Some days it feels like a new beginning. That I could start over today with a new attitude and a new outlook on life. I can will myself into it, I'm not that weak. Am I? I'm not so sure of that. Just starting over every day begins to feel like a losing battle.
There has to be a way to reach beyond the cloud-cover, to experience the radiance of the sun that hides behind there. I'm just not so sure I'll ever set foot on that path.

CAN YOU WEAR HAPPY?

I'm beginning to believe that happiness is not a state of mind, or something you can will yourself into, and or state of being. Happiness is the ability to portray yourself in a way that leads others and quite possible yourself into believing that everything is peaceful, relaxed, exciting, cheery, smily, adventurous, all that crap rolled into one, OH and that pink bunnies who give out chocolate that doesnt make you fat, really do exist.
I'm tired of all the people wearing happy. Why don't they just be individuals and wear something like worn out, tired, miserable, discontent, pissed off, or blameful? Then at least we'd be truthful, beating the shit out of each other but truthful.
I hate society and having to fake something I'm not just to please the people around me, just to keep the peace.
I'm sick of it all.

Drowning

How is it possible to feel so lonely when I am always surrounded by people. Is it because everything I feel or have to say is never heard? Is it because it somehow became my job to listen and not speak. I have no voice. I can't have feelings or emotion. It's not allowed. How can I be the only one who hears my thoughts and feelings and not become a recluse or become withdrawn? I don't want to become the weird person who never looks up or looks people in the eye, too insecure to hold a normal conversation or treat it as a business situation. So impersonal and exact to the fact. I'm going crazy and the more I feel it the less I can talk about it.
Spare everyone else's feelings. That's more important I guess.

The Nothing?

Waking every day when my mind feels darker then the day before.
When the light should be awakening but instead blinding, and wishing I could drift back to that state that is not just black but empty and thoughtless.
Maybe disapearing into a nothing of nonexistence isn't all that bad.

????

If I removed the masked smile from my mouth and the facade of strength from my day, would I be able to keep going?
Do the mask and facade hide the unbearable day from me or make it any easier or less miserable?
Does wearing a costume really make you the part of the role or just allow you to pretend it was yours to keep?
So when does the performance end, and reality begin?
If I could, would I live in this fantasy forever?
Would I leave a world where I never have to answer my own questions?

Long drawn out sigh

It's been a long day.
Faces drifting in and out.
Some familiar, most not. Or not focused enough to recognize those I should.
Soon this long day is over.
Soon it will be a new day, a new short day of three hours.
Three hours of what i always dreamed would happen to me.
Three hours of my complete.
Three hours of content.

*STRONGER*

So, I come to this awakening conclusion today.
I am constantly giving of myself each day.
I am in constant pain.
I also know that everytime I pour out more of myself, there is someone else there to catch the spill.
I know that no matter what insecurities I may have, that I never have to question if I am trying my hardest to do what is best for my family.
I never have to question if I am a "good person" or not, because I know in my family's eyes I am the best person.
I know that because I get up everyday and keep doing what I am doing, it makes me stronger. Not just tougher.
I can say with complete confidence that I am not weak. I am strong.
I still have my days, my sad times.
In the end, I am still the strong person I woke up as.
Am I puting the most important people in my life first? Yes I am.
Am I being selfish and focusing on myself first? No I am not.
I am complete.
I am at peace and completely confident about who I am.