Long drawn out sigh

It's been a long day.
Faces drifting in and out.
Some familiar, most not. Or not focused enough to recognize those I should.
Soon this long day is over.
Soon it will be a new day, a new short day of three hours.
Three hours of what i always dreamed would happen to me.
Three hours of my complete.
Three hours of content.

*STRONGER*

So, I come to this awakening conclusion today.
I am constantly giving of myself each day.
I am in constant pain.
I also know that everytime I pour out more of myself, there is someone else there to catch the spill.
I know that no matter what insecurities I may have, that I never have to question if I am trying my hardest to do what is best for my family.
I never have to question if I am a "good person" or not, because I know in my family's eyes I am the best person.
I know that because I get up everyday and keep doing what I am doing, it makes me stronger. Not just tougher.
I can say with complete confidence that I am not weak. I am strong.
I still have my days, my sad times.
In the end, I am still the strong person I woke up as.
Am I puting the most important people in my life first? Yes I am.
Am I being selfish and focusing on myself first? No I am not.
I am complete.
I am at peace and completely confident about who I am.

NO MORE

SOMEONE, SOMETHING SAVE ME. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I AM BARELY HOLDING ON TO WHAT IT WAS I WANTED. MY HEART FEELS LIKE THERES A DARK SWARM OF SMALL INSECTS LIVING INSIDE OF IT, EATING AND TEARING AT EVERY FIBER. GOD GIVE ME MORE TO GIVE. PLEASE, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M RUNNING OUT. OUT OF TIME, OUT OF LOVE, OUT OF FEELINGS. I'M BECOMING NUMB. FORCING BACK THE TEARS. FORCING MYSELF TO BE STRONG. I JUST EXIST, I'M JUST EXISTING. DAY BY DAY. I'M JUST EXISTING. I WANT TO BREAK DOWN, I WANT TO FALL APART. I CAN'T. I'M SO ALONE. I'M SO DRY, SO LIMP. DAY BY DAY. SO ALONE.

My Love

Oh my love, my love. Come back to me. Those nights we spent laughing and watching the stars. Those care free days, your warmest embrace. Your rosy lips with silly nothings spilling from them. Your freckled cheeks blushed from laughter.
My heart breaks from losing you, everytime we speak you are so far away. So withdrawn, so empty.
Both of our lives have changed so. Some for the better. At times, not.
I wonder where've you've gone. I wonder if you remember who you are, or are to me. I wonder if you remember your loyalty, your kind heart, your eagerness to please, the way you shine. Have you seen how your eyes gleam when you smile a true smile? Have you felt the warmth of your embrace? If only you could. Have you watched yourself try your hardest? Have you watched your love for your family, the way you love your family? I wish you would.
I hope you can see yourself the way I do. Then maybe someday you will come back to me, and I back to you.

One Beautiful Day

I remember one day, a day that seemed so hopeful, so at rest and at peace. There was nothing too special about this day. No one's birthday. Not a holiday or a vacation or a visitor.
The smiles were aligned just right with the sun as though every colorful day would bring the same smiles, even though I know this to not to be true. Cheers of laughter. A heart that raced from excitement and being out of breath, not a heart that races from fear and stress. I remember how my eyes were squinting from a combination of laughter in them and the sun beams, not squinting from headaches and tears. Now there is laughter but not the same kind that brings you a joy you remember for always.
I've made so many mistakes. I've tried to forgive myself for the terrible things I've done, and sometimes I believe I have. So many times they visit me, remind me of what I lost during that time of darkness. It seems at these times my mind always drifts back to that one day, that one perfect day when everything was wonderful for the moment. That brief moment when everything was going to be alright, and almost was.
Everyday I see pain, and feel it. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't break at least a little, and I'm left trying to repair it the best I can by myself. It has to be hard and strong to face the next day. Each time I repair it, I add just a little more stitching and gauze. So my heart grows bigger, stronger, able to accept more beatings and take more than the day before. Soon that's all I know. Accept the beatings, absorb the pain. Now it's all I know, and I can take it but I can hardly give it anymore. I have no patience to face what I fear. I can't give love when my heart is too busy taking damage. I'll keep taking it, day by day. That's what i do, but I've warned, one day I will stop being able to give at all.
Just keep that beautiful day in my mind, I have to have something to hold on to. I have to remember a time when I had hope.

Silent Secrets and Wishes

Why when we talk or talk in private, it's secrets. Secrets of a sadness, a sense of loss, fear, hopelessness, insecurity. Why is it when we talk openly it's happiness, hopes, hopefulness, strength. Why is it so important for us to make the people we speak to believe that those darker sides of us don't exist. Attracting people instantly. For they must be so lucky to meet someone who doesn't have those barriers they themselves hold.
Let's embrace our dark sides, be okay with them. Focus on them and turn them into something light. Find a positive way to switch them. If they can't be switched, find a peaceful way to forgive, or let go.
Sounds good doesn't it? Almost makes you let out a soft sigh of relief.
But all this said in a completely Under the cover, confidential, no one knows who I am confidence....

Run and Hide

Rapidly beating heart, short quick breaths, heavy sigh.

Like a frightened rabbit being chased by the everyday pains of a mundane life.

A coward, afraid to stop running and face the wolves.

No courage to confront a most certain death.

Nerves turning, blood rising, heart wrenching.

Like an over-stretched coil, loosely clinging to the idea of something beautiful.

Incomplete. Unable to escape, unable to fully reach.

No courage to accept a most certain life.

SCREAMING INSIDE

OH MY FUCKING HELL, THIS HEADACHE WONT GO AWAY. I guess if I scream inside it wont make my headache worse and no one can hear it. Not that anyone else is fucking reading this but dammit I cant get this headache to go away. I need to go home and take a hot bath. I need a fucking massage. I guess I feel like complaining and being pathetic right now. Maybe it'll make my headache go away......

HELLOOOO

So my first post to my very own Blog. It's strange I feel a sense of ownership. I feel like I am going to say something that someone else is going to read and then think about later. Though it may very well not happen. Maybe someone will be able to relate to me, or have similar stories to share.
I will warn you I may be very blunt, highly emotional, angry, strongly opinionated, and rude at times. I will warn you I may be very withdrawn, overly excited, joyous, and extremely sweet and caring at times.
I look forward to hearing the unrestricted feeling and thoughts of others. Either nice, opinionated, emotional angry or down right rude.