NO MORE

SOMEONE, SOMETHING SAVE ME. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I AM BARELY HOLDING ON TO WHAT IT WAS I WANTED. MY HEART FEELS LIKE THERES A DARK SWARM OF SMALL INSECTS LIVING INSIDE OF IT, EATING AND TEARING AT EVERY FIBER. GOD GIVE ME MORE TO GIVE. PLEASE, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M RUNNING OUT. OUT OF TIME, OUT OF LOVE, OUT OF FEELINGS. I'M BECOMING NUMB. FORCING BACK THE TEARS. FORCING MYSELF TO BE STRONG. I JUST EXIST, I'M JUST EXISTING. DAY BY DAY. I'M JUST EXISTING. I WANT TO BREAK DOWN, I WANT TO FALL APART. I CAN'T. I'M SO ALONE. I'M SO DRY, SO LIMP. DAY BY DAY. SO ALONE.

My Love

Oh my love, my love. Come back to me. Those nights we spent laughing and watching the stars. Those care free days, your warmest embrace. Your rosy lips with silly nothings spilling from them. Your freckled cheeks blushed from laughter.
My heart breaks from losing you, everytime we speak you are so far away. So withdrawn, so empty.
Both of our lives have changed so. Some for the better. At times, not.
I wonder where've you've gone. I wonder if you remember who you are, or are to me. I wonder if you remember your loyalty, your kind heart, your eagerness to please, the way you shine. Have you seen how your eyes gleam when you smile a true smile? Have you felt the warmth of your embrace? If only you could. Have you watched yourself try your hardest? Have you watched your love for your family, the way you love your family? I wish you would.
I hope you can see yourself the way I do. Then maybe someday you will come back to me, and I back to you.

One Beautiful Day

I remember one day, a day that seemed so hopeful, so at rest and at peace. There was nothing too special about this day. No one's birthday. Not a holiday or a vacation or a visitor.
The smiles were aligned just right with the sun as though every colorful day would bring the same smiles, even though I know this to not to be true. Cheers of laughter. A heart that raced from excitement and being out of breath, not a heart that races from fear and stress. I remember how my eyes were squinting from a combination of laughter in them and the sun beams, not squinting from headaches and tears. Now there is laughter but not the same kind that brings you a joy you remember for always.
I've made so many mistakes. I've tried to forgive myself for the terrible things I've done, and sometimes I believe I have. So many times they visit me, remind me of what I lost during that time of darkness. It seems at these times my mind always drifts back to that one day, that one perfect day when everything was wonderful for the moment. That brief moment when everything was going to be alright, and almost was.
Everyday I see pain, and feel it. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't break at least a little, and I'm left trying to repair it the best I can by myself. It has to be hard and strong to face the next day. Each time I repair it, I add just a little more stitching and gauze. So my heart grows bigger, stronger, able to accept more beatings and take more than the day before. Soon that's all I know. Accept the beatings, absorb the pain. Now it's all I know, and I can take it but I can hardly give it anymore. I have no patience to face what I fear. I can't give love when my heart is too busy taking damage. I'll keep taking it, day by day. That's what i do, but I've warned, one day I will stop being able to give at all.
Just keep that beautiful day in my mind, I have to have something to hold on to. I have to remember a time when I had hope.

Silent Secrets and Wishes

Why when we talk or talk in private, it's secrets. Secrets of a sadness, a sense of loss, fear, hopelessness, insecurity. Why is it when we talk openly it's happiness, hopes, hopefulness, strength. Why is it so important for us to make the people we speak to believe that those darker sides of us don't exist. Attracting people instantly. For they must be so lucky to meet someone who doesn't have those barriers they themselves hold.
Let's embrace our dark sides, be okay with them. Focus on them and turn them into something light. Find a positive way to switch them. If they can't be switched, find a peaceful way to forgive, or let go.
Sounds good doesn't it? Almost makes you let out a soft sigh of relief.
But all this said in a completely Under the cover, confidential, no one knows who I am confidence....

Run and Hide

Rapidly beating heart, short quick breaths, heavy sigh.

Like a frightened rabbit being chased by the everyday pains of a mundane life.

A coward, afraid to stop running and face the wolves.

No courage to confront a most certain death.

Nerves turning, blood rising, heart wrenching.

Like an over-stretched coil, loosely clinging to the idea of something beautiful.

Incomplete. Unable to escape, unable to fully reach.

No courage to accept a most certain life.