One Beautiful Day

I remember one day, a day that seemed so hopeful, so at rest and at peace. There was nothing too special about this day. No one's birthday. Not a holiday or a vacation or a visitor.
The smiles were aligned just right with the sun as though every colorful day would bring the same smiles, even though I know this to not to be true. Cheers of laughter. A heart that raced from excitement and being out of breath, not a heart that races from fear and stress. I remember how my eyes were squinting from a combination of laughter in them and the sun beams, not squinting from headaches and tears. Now there is laughter but not the same kind that brings you a joy you remember for always.
I've made so many mistakes. I've tried to forgive myself for the terrible things I've done, and sometimes I believe I have. So many times they visit me, remind me of what I lost during that time of darkness. It seems at these times my mind always drifts back to that one day, that one perfect day when everything was wonderful for the moment. That brief moment when everything was going to be alright, and almost was.
Everyday I see pain, and feel it. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't break at least a little, and I'm left trying to repair it the best I can by myself. It has to be hard and strong to face the next day. Each time I repair it, I add just a little more stitching and gauze. So my heart grows bigger, stronger, able to accept more beatings and take more than the day before. Soon that's all I know. Accept the beatings, absorb the pain. Now it's all I know, and I can take it but I can hardly give it anymore. I have no patience to face what I fear. I can't give love when my heart is too busy taking damage. I'll keep taking it, day by day. That's what i do, but I've warned, one day I will stop being able to give at all.
Just keep that beautiful day in my mind, I have to have something to hold on to. I have to remember a time when I had hope.